Disclaimer: The following is just my opinion on certain parts of adult art. I get that “Not all men, Not all women” ect ect.  I know that other folks don’t think or even approach kink like I do, but maybe this will give you guys an idea of where I am coming from. Why I draw porn the way I do.
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Been thinking a lot about the conclusion that I am on the Ace (Aesexual) spectrum.  A stranger said somewhere that Ace folks make the kinkiest art because they don’t wanna be involved with the deed in real life. The art is then a means to let them explore sexuality in the complete safety of the fantasy world. I would say that this has been 100% the case with me my whole life. I don’t really wanna fuck anyone, but im still horny inside my brain. You can be not mentally attracted to any particular sex, but your physical body just chugs along hoping you will breed anyway.  I prefer heterosexual sex, but Het porn at large is pretty awful. Made for an audience of men concerned with taking everything they can from a willing set of holes. Seldom if ever, is a woman’s orgasm even considered. 

“The McDonald’s hamburger of human intimacy” (fills you up in the short term, but is devoid of vitamins, and minerals you actually need) 

The other day a quick google search led me to R/Teratophilia, a sub reddit about monsters that I lasted about 20 minutes on. Initially I was hopeful I might find tender nonhuman kissey art, maybe some truly weird eldritch beings with non standard anatomy. There might have actually been some tender kissey half buried in that mountain, but this was a public forum. The hardcore kink stuff far far outweighed the sort of tender erotic subject matter I was looking for. (I want some eye contact, some hand-holding, cuddles to go with my dickings fgs!) The way people treated terato in that place, was just as interchangeable to any other hentai group I’ve glanced upon. A skin for the same types of humiliation/noncon/dominance/kink that you can get virtually anywhere. I stay away from Robot kink places for a similar reason.  A ton of folks who say they love machines, then depict them getting their internals ripped out, the limbs partially dismembered, or machines treated as a lesser being in the exchange. (Yeah nothing says “I love you” like barely contained Guro ).
Makes me wonder why outsiders say that I’m this brutal hard core artist simply for choosing a war machine, or a dragon. The only hard core thing about me is that I like big fantasy monster dicks, but most importantly, big fantasy dicks that don’t hurt anyone. I do not like depictions of suffering for someone else’s pleasure. I do not like pictures of disrespect on a sex partner, I do not like art that shows lack of consent, fantasy or not. (Even the Wyverns communicate with their Riders Via the kinship stone! Some MH lore for you. ) 

how did I get here? 

Gentle giants (mostly machines) that had all the capacity in the world to destroy, yet stay their hand for tenderness is the ultimate flavor. If you have never felt comfortable around others, if you are analogous to the monster for your “otherness”, then the small somewhat perfectly acceptable human laying with you in total sincerity is hot as fuck. Its like you forgiving yourself for your imperfections. I’m over 6 feet tall, I wear a mans 13 shoe, pcos issues have made me into a less than ideal monster myself. So this is what it means to me: I am both. I am the monster who forgives the human, and the weak tiny human who forgives the monster for being misunderstood.  In this small sacred space there is no room for “McDonalds porn bullshit”.

When one side is a death dealing machine entity covered in armor and warheads, it becomes a protective incredibly masculine force in the relationship. A powerful figurehead without all the exploitation that comes with regular porn. This is where I am most comfortable. In the case where the human is a man, I introduce a super strong motherly non human monster woman that cannot be taken advantage of in the same way. 

Some people think I don’t like Gay people because I don’t draw gay porn. On the contrary, Gay has nothing to do with anything. Its just coincidentally the fact gay men 100% engage in anal sex. I vehemently dislike anal because of the way it’s been portrayed in het porn on women in straight relationships. Turns out that up to 72% of women (and 15% of men) experience moderate to severe pain during anal and don’t say anything to their partners because its expected of them.  “sex is just something you endure for a man’s pleasure” : https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25648245/

(granted, gay men have a prostate that can be stimulated. Their is a use case for the act in gay porn) 

But why the fuck would you ever sign up for something that causes moderate to severe pain in the name of intimacy? (Im looking at the remaining 28% of you kinky women)  combine this with the sentiment that a small % of people hold that “Anal is what you do to punish women” (read this on a forum 15 years back) and now I can only view certain sex acts as something you do when you don’t really care about the other person. (Like depictions of men making women choke or vomit on huge dicks, are a form of sexual violence)

My monsters don’t hurt the men, or women. They don’t ask for acts of sex that cause discomfort (and are totally anthropocentric let’s be honest). 

Those huge robot dongs you see on this webpage? They are adjustable for maximum pleasure. I fucking thought of everything, yet I am the hardcore freak? I disagree. 

To the truly weird kinksters out there, the women shoving french fries, and chicken bones up their cunt? The young men attracted to the varicose vens on the legs of 90 year olds? Their colorful existence proves that there is a kind of porn for everyone who dares to dream, Even the folks out there who like shitty painful brutal porn acts. I’m just not one of them. 
(Artist for this meme is unknown. I will try to find their name)

Why has doing art gotten soo much harder? The tools have not changed. The process hasn’t changed. Back pain that I’m used to? Still there. 

I talked with a Friend last night about how angry I was that despite having a whole-ass Sunday to myself, that I was only 2% closer to getting my allotted artwork for the week completed. 
meanwhile for hours every week I trawl the social media circles of top artist professionals, and insanely gifted asian fanartists dropping Banger idea after idea 7 days a week. Just a ton of rapid fire work coming in an out of there. It hurts that im not even a tenth of their speed. 
I used to make a comic page a night back in the 00’s. As a young security guard at the time, I had free reign in between patrols to chill out in quiet with pen and paper, and turn out a fresh page through an 8 hour shift. I would take that paper home, scan it in, and fix it up nice in photoshop. That comic was known as Edenworldsaga (a bigger and more complicated fantasy robot story then the one im doing now.) Old pages are still looking great, but thinking back on the 6-700 pages I made, I wonder why it was Soo much easier to do then, as a pose to the comics I do now. 

Now Is a constant fight to focus, and deal with adult responsibilities. With just 2-3 hours each day left for myself, I can barely start anything before its bed time again. 
Fucking everything I wanna do advances the clock back to bed time and I hate it. 

I told my art Friend that “People can tell when the artist enjoyed themselves” that the love of art has to start intrinsically from within, and not to try and impress others. But Lately I haven’t felt this personal enjoyment of doing the thing. It’s just gotten so much harder, more depressing, more expensive. And If I may be honest? I don’t think about Robots or Airplanes much anymore. I don’t really think about much of anything now.  (My mood seems to fluctuate on this rather wildly, and who knows how I will feel next week ofc.) But people are going to eventually see something is wrong.

I got extremely upset at MHW last week because the boss I was prepping hours to face, kept kicking my ass, “wasting my fucking time”, and I just wanted to be done with the process. Faster, faster, onto the next thing, tic that box. My lack of time is just ruining experiences which are supposed to be enjoyable. 

You follow this up with the fact that your audience is almost non existent, and the links to the pages where your art gets posted are full of people making jokes about you needing to be killed for putting in the effort drawing the things you enjoy. It’s been a recipe for regret over the 25 year body of work I committed to.  Putting in “effort” has really started to feel meaningless. (This is without getting into the whole midjourney shit.)

So my Freind has to re-re remind me that “shitty one-off sketches are fine”, and that “YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO SUCK.. TO MAKE TRASH ART”.  Its important that artists like me get told this. That every picture doesnt have to be a huge 100 hour full post-production affair. I’m not competing with anyone. The stakes are already soo low. I need to keep from quitting altogether. I need to become like Dr. DJ from FA. and just make images for quick communication of ideas. Stuff commensurate to the amount of attention it actually receives as a whole. And If I decide to take it to full “regular polish” then that is my choice.